Movie Love... Where's My Script??

Spoiler Alert!! I watched a chick flick and I'm hating the "L" word..

Ah... love. When two people are so perfectly suited for each other and they don't even see it until it's almost too late. That rush of emotion. That rush to find one another so they can profess their true feelings. That happily ever after. That, is movie love.

Real life love in my world, or as I like to call it "L", is more like, "Oh crap, what now?" We do not "L" in my presence. I do not "L" under any circumstances. When "L" enters the picture everything goes to hell in a hurry and it's just not worth the aftermath.  When love enters my life it's more akin to the jarred food aisle in the grocery store. Sooner or later, someone is gonna drop the biggest jar of pickles off the top shelf and it will splatter and spread and leave sharp shards hidden where you can't see them but you'll sure know when you step on one. No one knows when or how far down the aisle it will happen, but it will happen, and the poor sap just trying to get by has to clean up the mess.

Hi. My name is Sap.

Real life love. Blech. I want the movie love. I want some nine time, shiny trophy winning writer to come up with the romance script of a life time and just hand it over. Along with the producer, director, supporting cast, a fabulous backdrop and a really great man who loves me until time stands still. A man who knows everything there is to know about me... all my quirks and irks. I want someone to know my favorite flavor lollipop or how to make my favorite sandwich or which side of the bed I sleep on and why. Is there anyone out there who knows what I'm most afraid of? What makes me laugh until I can't breathe? Where is the man who wants to know all of these things and more just because he wants to know? Where's my damn script???

I've been proposed to more times than Elizabeth Taylor. I've never been married. Not once. Not because I didn't want to be. I do... or, at least, I did. It's just that, I found that once a man knew he had me, once I accepted the proposal and the ring was on the finger, he stopped wanting me and wanted something or, more accurately, someone else. He just forgot to tell me there had been a change in plans. I had to find out in the most interesting ways that my script had been re-written and the leading lady had been replaced.

Do people ever find that movie love? I mean, do people ever fall in love and stay there in that emotional wave learning all the aspects of the other person? I'm pretty sure it's not all perfection if true love does exist, but, does it exist? Or is it only in the movies? If it exists, why hasn't it found me yet?

I was told I wouldn't find love just waiting for it to come to me. I had to go find it. So I went looking. What I found wasn't pretty. It belonged in a New York dumpster. Then I was told that if I wanted to find love I needed to just relax and wait, that it would come when I wasn't looking. So, I quit looking. What came along  looked great in the beginning, but after a couple of years it resembled chum and started to have that same gut wrenching stench.

I decided that I badly needed a break from the whole "L" thing. I took what one of my friends calls a "man-cation." I completely stopped dating. For like 3 years. I even wore a wedding ring to keep men away. The farther away from me they stayed, the happier I was.

Then, one day seven years ago, I had a moment. It was one of those eye contact moments where the world disappears and it was just the two of us. My heartbeat quickened and my breath caught. Bubbles and rainbows. He serenaded me. Took me places and treated me like I was the most important person in the world. He proposed on the beach with dolphins playing in the water and we celebrated, having dinner in the mountains under the watchful eye of a coyote. It was magic. Bubbles and rainbows. Then. life came strolling by, popped my bubbles, smeared my rainbows and crapped on my happiness. He found someone else. I found out about her when he, get this, invited her to have dinner with us. Yes, I am dead serious. He proceeded to rob me blind and leave a stack of bills in my name. Obviously, this man didn't read the script.

Or maybe that really is my script. Maybe I've been type cast in the role of  Perpetual Sap #1. The hopeful one always looking for love but never actually finding it. I guess someone has to play that part, but why? Why does anyone have to be PS#1? How about if everyone finds their true love and lives happily ever after? Get the writer on the horn, we're changing the last 3 scenes. What do you mean he won't answer?

Well, either I get a new writer or I quit. Scratch that. I just quit. Find someone else to play the part of PS#1. I'm tired and I no longer see the point. I don't want to be PS#1 any more. Find a new starlet and pop her love bubbles. I'm actually quite happy as long as I stay away from romance in all of it's deceptive forms. If romance writers were ever to ask me for my idea of a romantic evening, I'd have to say, for me it would be a large bowl of perfectly chilled chocolate pudding, all of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, my most comfy sweats and my hair done up in a perfectly coiffed ponytail.

Now that, my friends, is my idea of the perfect evening.  Movie love is overrated by teenage girls who have not lived the real lie. I'm well beyond those years of dreaming of love eternal and well into the years of loving my own space and not washing someone else's underwear. I'm beyond the years of compromise. I do what I want, when I want and I do it all without having to call anyone to let them know. I eat cereal for dinner and burritos for breakfast because I can. I control the remote.

I suppose I did find real life love. I just didn't find it in a man. I found it in myself. In learning to be a solo act. So, this is love, huh? I can deal with this.

You can trust me. Yeah right.

Have you ever had that love at first site moment with anyone? If you haven't, and you finally do, it's a lie. Don't believe it. There is no love at first sight. There may be a moment when you realize that this person will be significant in your life, but don't kid yourself into thinking it's going to be roses and puppies and flying hearts.

Why can't we have the "run for your life this guy's going to ruin you" at first sight moment? Wouldn't that make it easier to live happily ever after? At least there would be some warning. Maybe not a big flashing red light, but something would be helpful.

Believe me when I say I'm not one of those women who needs a man in her life. I don't pine for a husband or daydream about my wedding day. I've been known to go for years turning down would be suitors. I'm almost 45 years old, still single and quite happy about it. If I had ever pined in the past, which I don't remember doing, those days are long gone and forgotten. I'm too old to be trained and too old to want to train.

I'm convinced now that I was right to stay single all these years. I'm much better off as a single than a couple. It's never bothered me to be the third or fifth wheel when I go out with coupled up friends.  Being able to flirt with the cute guy at the next table and not have to worry about my significant other getting jealous suits me just fine.

The thing is, while I used to have a lot of fun flirting and dating when I was single, when I make a commitment to someone I honor it. I'm in it whole heartedly. I don't look around to see what else is out there. I don't do anything I can't tell them about. I wouldn't want it done to me (again) so I don't put another person through it.

I just don't understand why other people can't be the same way.  Is it so difficult to be true to the person you've chosen to be with? I don't think it is, but looking at my past relationships I must be the only one who has this thought pattern.

17 men thought I was wonderful enough to propose to. I didn't say yes to all of them. The very few that I did say yes to, apparently thought that while I was the one they wanted to marry I wasn't the only one they wanted to sleep with. Excuse me? What's up with that? You want to share your life with me and the contents of your pants with everyone else? I don't share my toys. Buh-bye.

Will I date again? I don't know. At this point I'd rather not have a man in my life...ever. I'm not so trusting in this not quite old age I've reached and the professions of love have become rhetoric to my ears. If another man says "I'm not like other men" I'm likely to die laughing at his sincerity. "You can trust me" has become the equivalent of "Hand over your wallet and no one gets hurt."

Date. Not a chance in hell. People ask me all the time if I miss the male companionship. I can honestly say no, I don't. Do I miss having someone to go out to eat with or go to the movies with? Not really. I've been known to take myself out and be quite happy with the dinner conversation.

Besides, I've got my kids and that's really all I need to keep me happy in life. They are my best friends and the reason I have my sanity, although sometimes they are also the reason for my insanity as well. At risk of sounding like Barney, I love them, they love me.  We stick together through the thick and thin of it all. Thank God for my children. I can trust them.

The Perfect Relationship

Define a perfect relationship. Everyone has a different idea of what the perfect relationship would be. A few people have actually found the perfect significant other and are as close to the perfect relationship as they will ever get. I envy these people. They no longer have to swim precariously in the deep end of the dating pool. They have found the fish of their dreams.

The perfect relationship. Is it having someone who has the same interests and opinions as yourself? Or maybe someone who doesn't mind listening to you whine when you've had a particularly bad day? Someone who will take on half the responsibility of the household and all things that pertain to comfort and cleanliness? Maybe, just maybe, it's having someone who, no matter what, will always hold your hand and lift you up when even you don't know how badly you need it. Quite possibly, it's none of these. I could be romanticizing something that is just as simple as finding someone you can put up with and who can put up with you.

Everyone has this great idea of what perfection is when it comes to relationships. Are we too hard on people we look at as potential partners in life? When I was a much younger me, I never thought I was. I had a very simple question I would ask myself when I was dating a man to help me decide if the relationship had any longevity. If I answered yes, I would see it through to the end, no matter how bitter that end might be. If I answered no, well, what was the point of going any further? (Romantic, no?) The question, although a little silly, made complete sense in my mind. I would ask myself, "Can I see myself washing this man's underwear every day for the rest of my life?" Yep. That's it. My relationship defining question. It made sense in my mind because, let's face it, washing someone else's underwear can be disgusting at times. Did I find the idea of washing a man's underwear so unappealing that I would overlook all the wonderful qualities they had to offer in other arenas of life and miss out on what could  possibly be the perfect relationship? You betcha. Looking back, I realize that was probably not the best way to gauge how well suited a man was for providing a lifetime of joy, but it worked for me at the time.

So, how do you define a perfect relationship? Maybe it's a matter of redefining your idea each time you meet someone. Tweak your perfect relationship to allow for some wiggle room and see how this new person fits into the picture you've painted in your mind. Maybe the perfect relationship is perfect because the people in them are always allowing for wiggle room. I suppose that could be what they mean by give and take.

Next time, instead of asking myself how I feel about the state of someone's drawers, I'll just sit back and see how the relationship unfolds. Give that wiggle room and watch the show.  Of course, I'm going to have to inquire about his laundry room skills, just in case. Or maybe, I'll just toss the old jockey shorts and buy him some new ones. Give and take. I think I just learned a new trick.